The past month hasn’t been the best look on me. I’ve been feeling heavy – physically and emotionally – and I’ve felt myself falling back into bad habits to feel better.
On top of all that, I’m getting married in almost 2 months. With that comes the preventative stress of making sure my skincare routine is just right, trying to lose a little weight, putting together all the final details of what shoes, jewelry, and hairpieces I’ll be wearing. I’ve been putting down big deposits on things like portable restroom units and hair appointments. But at the end of the day, I don’t feel like I’m doing any of it for me. I feel like I’m doing it so “everything will be perfect,” even though I know it never will be. And so, amidst all the drama, I’ve been looking for an escape. I’ve been looking for leather bags and the perfect pair of black jeans that might make me feel a little bit better about myself in the coming months. I’ve been looking for new facial toners and glow-promising masks. And, I’ve actually begun to invest in my mental health, as well.
Basically, I’ve been spending a lot of money over the last few weeks, and I don’t know if I’m doing it for the right reasons or not. (My gut says probably not.) But I tell y’all this to let you know that this process is entirely imperfect. It is hard.
It’s a basic tenet of humanity that we are bound to stumble and fall amidst our best intentions – especially when we’re trying to institute lasting, monumental, life-changing change. But the best we can do in these moments is stop, take a deep breath, and start again, acknowledging all the lessons we’ve learned in the process thus far.
For example, while I’ve been spending a little more than I’d care to admit, I know that I’ve said “no” to far more many things than I’ve said “yes” to. I’ve walked back and forth through stores, picking up and putting down, reeling back into my mind to question if I have anything like this already, if it’s something that will last, or if it’s just a temporary trend to quick fix a problem I’m experiencing. I compare the items in my hands to those that I’ve bought (and gotten rid of) in the past. I make mindful choices. The old me would’ve easily buckled at the promise of 7 new pairs of panties for just $35 or a graphic tee on sale for $10. The new, intentional me is reminded of how many pairs of panties are already in my drawer, and how “of the moment” that t-shirt actually is. It’s also questioning who made all those clothes, why they’re so cheap, and how those female factory workers must feel about something that touts “Girl Power” when they feel anything but.
The transition within me has been minute, but it is there. Good things take time. And nudges from the universe.
So, all of my failure feelings aside, I’m looking to the stars for this next phase of the journey. Because this weekend (March 13, to be exact) marks a pivotal New Moon in Pisces, which sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo until you learn that it’s actually a time of change, transition, and calling in our intuition to bring the old astrological year to a close and begin anew.
According to Zen Ren of AstroYogaLove.com, who explained it best for me, “Radiating from this new moon is the unmistakable vibration of surrender – surrender to fate – surrender to what must be. We are restless, lost, confused, unsure of where to go…Pisces represents all that we ignore, deny, or suppress…[she] rules sleep, trance, hypnosis, and other altered states of consciousness.”
So what does that mean? Well, I know I’ve been having a lot of crazy, out-of-control anxiety dreams lately. Can anyone else relate? I can’t ignore the fact that my subconscious is telling me something is very wrong – something needs to be completed and set right. And it’s no wonder, considering how I’ve surrendered to my old habits instead of looking towards what I know to be good for me in the long haul. Perhaps you have something in your life that’s beckoning for attention, as well.
I’m not saying you have to light a candle and set up your crystals at 4 in the morning when the moon hits its peak. I’m not saying you even have to acknowledge it. But I do urge you to pick up a pen and some paper, and think through the things in your life that are causing you stress, anxiety, and uncertainty. Perhaps it’s something wildly out of your control, like COVID. Perhaps it’s a wedding. Perhaps it’s a conversation you need to have at work. But whatever it is, now is the time to address it, to acknowledge its power over you and take the little steps that are necessary to put better things in motion.
We’re all in the crazy of life together, my friends. So, I wish you luck, and I wish me luck, too. Until next time 🙂