I’m not a very good optimist.
I always seemed to think I was, but now I have to reevaluate that point.
I mean, when things are going my way…Yaas! Great! But isn’t that all of us? Being positive about good things is not a triumph. It’s just a natural state of existence. Sometimes our optimism takes more control when we’re surrounded by others needing a lift. And sometimes it plummets when everyone around us just seems more content with things going their way.
It occurs to me that the true power of being an optimist lies in seeing the good when all you seem to face is bad. And I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately…wishing I could be better. Wishing I could stay more positive in the midst of things that bring me down. Wishing I could see more light at the end of the tunnel. No, I’m not depressed. I’m just self-burdened. I’m not good at looking past the bad. And suddenly I’m realizing that while I used to think optimism was one of my shining qualities, it may not be. At least not when I’m dealing with my own personal struggles.
Lately, I’ve found that I have a lot less tolerance for the things I don’t want to be doing. I’m jaded, taking jobs that seem promising yet always seem to get old and let me down. Yes, there are still plenty of things that bring me joy. But most of those things occur outside of normal business hours. The rest of the time I’m just pushing through, chugging along. And while I understand that a lot of people live their lives that way, that’s not something I want to be subject to until I reach retirement. I see people like this every day, and I just want to understand – how do they do it??
I want to love my life 24/7. And I don’t have the patience to wait.
Of course, I could drop everything right this second and start my novel….but I’d most likely end up starving in the process. How does everyone else seem to make it work?
Persistence, I guess.
(But seriously, if you’re reading this and you’ve got some tips, SHARE THEM WITH THE REST OF US!) I know I can’t be alone in these feelings.
In terms of alternative options, I’ve slowly been getting more involved with the farm by contributing what skills I possess and looking into ways to monetize my influence there. I’ve brought in the goats, I maintain our website, and I’m managing our social media. I’m even trying to help out with elements of the business and prospective sales. And that – even though it’s not far from what I’m doing at my paying job – brings me joy.
Maybe because it’s my choice? Maybe because it’s relatively on my own terms? Maybe because I’m working on something that I truly care about and want to be a part of? It’s hard to say, but it stands as proof that my joy can be found in work. I’m not entirely lazy and pathetic and unmotivated! I just need to be able to apply myself to something that matters to me. Something rooted in passion. Something rooted in dreams. Something that I might be doing for the next 40 years. And something that I can financially benefit from – cuz I mean, let’s be honest.
So….Anyone need a position filled?