As long as I’ve known him, my boyfriend has been trying to get me to Lexington, KY. Why, you may ask? Because that’s where the magic happens. For horses, at least.

You see, if you’re intentionally breeding horses, there’s a science (and a status) behind it. The reason it’s been so difficult for me to get there over the course of a year and a half is that it’s totally unpredictable – for the most part, you only get 1 or 2 days’ notice. Because when you’re paying to breed your specific mare with a prize male thoroughbred, you wanna make sure it gets done right the first time. Now I’ve never tried to get pregnant myself, but I know enough to say it’s probably very similar to the process couples go through – making sure all the right things get done at the point of ovulation. And because I’ve still got my city obligations Monday – Friday, the chances of a “good day” rolling around on a weekend tend to be pretty slim, which means I never get to go (and will rarely have the opportunity).

But this week, I made my first trip up….and man, oh man. It was eye-opening!

Saturdays are for road trips, cute shoes & no shoes

First off, it should be noted that the horse we were breeding, Vitellia, already has a 3-month-old colt. (Horses are not on human time, y’all.) But, because her baby is so young, and the trip was going to be an all day sort of thing, we brought them both. This also meant that poor Vitellia got the last slot of the day, which meant lots of waiting. And lots of watching.

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V is for Victory ( & Vitellia)

You see, horse sex (or more properly, breeding) is not a romantic thing. It’s more like a one-night stand, not based on looks or attraction or even alcohol – just chemicals and timing.  And now, I’m no expert, so most of my observations are purely that – observations – but I think I got enough of the gist to try and explain to curious minds.

So here goes:

Before she is taken in to meet her sperm donor for the day, the mare is prepped and readied for her encounter. Her tail is neatly bound in a wide ponytail holder (OMG I just got why they call it that. Palm. To. Face) for easy access. She is also given a neck brace/wrap to protect her when the male inevitably bites onto her neck, and some shoes to protect the male from any fancy kicks she might be throwing back at him. She is given a sort of tranquilizer shot to keep her calm, and soon after led into the ring.

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The Breeding Shed

The ring is really just a big room devoted to this act. In fact, the whole barn is set up for breeding purposes. The two horses are accompanied by a couple of handlers who are also equipped with protective gear. (While we didn’t witness much chaos during our time there, apparently things can get a little riotous.) Then the horses are left to their devices. Yee Yee!

The stud will sniff the mare’s nether bits as he contemplates whether he’s ready to take the plunge. He often looks up making this funny toothy horse face that one can’t help but giggle at. And eventually, he’ll reel up and position himself on top of her, give a couple thrusts, let out a loud whinny, and back down. If possible, they’ll do this a few times until they decide to lead the mare out, clean her up a tad, and take her back to her trailer for the long ride home. It’s all over in a matter of minutes, and those two horses will never see each other again (unless it doesn’t take the first time – then it’s back to the grind every month until it does). Breeding with a stud can range anywhere from $10-50 THOUSAND dollars…so folks are gonna get their money out of it!

The strangest thing about it – at least to me – was all the people just standing around with their arms crossed, watching. I mean, they have to make sure everything’s going alright, I guess. And there’s really nothing perverted about it…even if it feels like there is.

Truth be told, I tried to do some simple Googling in the process of writing this post to make sure I had all the facts for y’all, but some of the bestiality stories I came across made me pretty sure I would never type anything about horse sex into my browser every again. Maybe ‘breeding’ would have been a better word choice…so if you find yourself curious after this post, I’ll just leave it you to find the answers this time. But be careful.

~ h ~