XXVI

I’m not ashamed to admit that this time one year ago I was a mess. It was my 25th birthday, and I was surrounded by the people that mattered. I should’ve been ecstatic. Instead I was a bundle of tears, insecurities and reminders of all that I hadn’t accomplished. I was ready to get help. Nothing else was working…

So the night before I turned 26 I sat in my bed alone before I went to sleep. I’m not a good prayer – I don’t do it near as often as I should and when I do it’s usually because I feel like something is lacking. But that night I just sat there and I thought of how I felt. I thought of all the ways my life has changed in these 365 days. I thanked God for His influence, His direction and His faith in me. I thought of all the broken roads that got me to this place. I thought of the people now in my life – be they friends I’ve had for 15 years, family I’ve been surrounded by since birth, or that one guy who showed up 8 months ago and hasn’t left yet.

I thought of the people who are no longer part of my life, and how maybe that’s for the better. I thought of all the things I’ve done that I never would have experienced had certain changes not come into play. And I cried. I cried so hard. And then I thought of the irony that I cried last year for completely opposite reasons and I cried even more. It felt good to be able to acknowledge how great I felt. To find peace in the fact that yes, indeed, He DID have a plan all along. I don’t do that enough…I really don’t. And now, that is the thing that needs changing.

I tend to wander through my work days, anticipating whatever comes later. I think of things I want to do with my life and watch TV instead. But I want to write – and so here I am. I have so much to be grateful for in this past year, and I know the coming one will be even better. I’m lucky to have a full and exciting life – so what better time to share it? Kill several birds with this one stone. I need something for me – I need to reclaim my passions and embrace the experiences, the thoughts, and the talents I have. I’m grabbing life by the balls. Taking the bull by the horns. Having my cake and eating it too.

If anyone’s actually reading this who’s not friend or family, here’s a little backstory: I came to Nashville from Ohio to pursue my dreams of working in the music industry, after which time I served as a restaurant hostess, a nanny and a sales associate at a highly expensive doll store. I finally found my big girl job at a small business management firm on Music Row. During my time there, I had hoped to start a blog for the company, but differing tastes and ideas about what it should entail left me frustrated. Rather than stewing in it, I figured I’d do my own thing.

When not at work, I find myself jettisoning from the ridiculous madness of the city to a quiet horse farm in the country. I like taking random road trips and making occasional crafty items. Sometimes I’m super pumped about cooking and other days I’d rather go to the chicest place in town. I like scuffed-up combat boots about as much as I can appreciate some well-proportioned sparkle. I’ve spent years being jealous of the way other bloggers so adeptly establish their brand, but now I’m faced with the realization that that’s just not me. I can’t pare it down, no matter how hard I try. Because I’ll always end up outside the lines.

So here is my platform– you’re just gonna get all of it. It’s going to be sporadic. It’s going to say a lot. And sometimes it’s going to say nothing at all. But that’s the point: I am on a journey. I’m still figuring “me” out. And I’m not ashamed of not being this One Great Thing, because now I think I finally realize the truth: I’m a little bit of everything. And isn’t that more interesting in the long run, anyways?